Enter · my · Domain

it's been a minute since the last post. I know. life is crazy and way less fun than it should be.

my cutting table is broken. the dream of a business is finally over. i'm sick of overcoming things to barely make progress. It was going no where. no one would actually buy things from me except my older brother. can i count family as clients? no, i don't think so. so i'm getting rid of everything. i really don't give a damn what kind of skill i'm throwing away. Skill doesn't meant income. And i need to stop wasting money if it's never going to get me anywhere. I need to stop wasting money, period....because without my cutting surface, i can't do any sewing for any purpose, profit or personal.

So that's the update. hurray....or something like it.

I guess it's been 17 weeks since I posted an entry. I wonder what to put up here from what I've been up to. It all seems so....so trivial. But it's my life. Sure, some Epic would be interesting. But probably stressful and way more than I want to handle. I've been busy. I've been sewing and partying and having fun and job-searching and having more fun and meeting people and finding love interests and losing them, and then finding others. It's been....almost Epic at times, I guess. But yeah. So here's a post; the first post in 17 weeks. Hurray.

hehe, i like the "I flirt nonstop with everyone I meet" part. so so true. ^.^

My trip to Virginia has been canceled. As of now. Pv is a liar....I just wish I would've known sooner....

Okay, maybe I was being emotional, depressed, and too quick to jump the gun on Patrick. Maybe he didn't realize he was hurting my feelings. There's no excuse for his behavior, but I can't refuse his apology, especially when I didn't have to tell him where he went wrong. And he's just contracted me to make him a suit, which means he doesn't want me to go anywhere any time soon.

I can't believe Heath Ledger is dead. He was only a couple years older than me. It's weird....

And oh boy. Michigan finally has something to be proud of (sarcasm...thick, thick sarcasm): our blond bimbo is now miss america. oh boy (more sarsasm). That'll go a long ways to solve our unemployment problem, or our poverty problem, or our health care problem....

I took Patrick out on friday night to meet some of my detroit friends. And throughout the 6 hours that we spent out, he actually talked to me for about 20 minutes. Twenty spread-out minutes. Sure, he was trying to be friendly towards my friends...but come on. I was still trying to have a good time, although I was pretty much on my own the whole night. At one point, I plopped down beside Patrick, who was talking to Stephanie, and kissed him on the cheek, meaning to jump back up and go back out to the dance floor. And after I kissed him, he looked at me and said, "Can't you see I'm in a conversation here?" I was so taken aback and hurt. After that, I actually avoided him for the rest of the night.

A week ago, I had two guys i was interested in. Now I'm down to zero. Again.

wow. I've never seen anything quite as ugly as a newborn baby. damn.

"Be not so long to speak; I long to die!"

I know a lot of people have a problem with Romeo and Juliet. True, it is as much a story of star-crossed lovers as it is of morons who have no reason in their decision making. However...to me, it is so powerful. And shame on me, but I honestly think the '96 film is better than the original play. Yes Master Shakespeare, I do apologize.

Yeah, I'm giving up. I mentioned that I crave this torment of unknowing...what I forgot to mention is that part of this relationship that it seems like we've developed has always been perfectly timed reassurance. Reassurance that I haven't been tearing my hair out for no reason, that the pain will have a pay off. I needed reassurance a week ago; I'm still waiting. I hate that the L-word passed from my fingers to his eyes. It gave him power, and he may not even know that he's abusing me so horribly. Dan told me that I was going to have to make a choice about him, he told me that I couldn't keep doing this to myself, because it's not good for me. He's right, and I've made my choice. I've said this about 100 other times, I know. But I just can't keep withholding myself from everyone else because I *might* have a chance with a guy who *might* like me. I've been a huge fool this whole time, letting my heart run away with my head. And that's gotta stop.

If Pv doesn't hurry up and show me that he actually wants a chance with me, he's going to lose it. When I talk to him, he says he does. He feeds me all these lines...but I'm not going to be stupid enough to believe them anymore. I need proof. I need more than one conversation every two weeks. And that's the long and short of it.

I think he may be just about too late anyway. Patrick is such a good man; he's so sweet and caring - the perfect combination of the gentle touch and the raging, passionate fire. He can disarm me with a look...and I love it, even though it scares the hell out of me. When I'm with him, I feel like my soul is walking around with no clothes on.

I don't want to give up on Pv....but my fears came true: the only thing that's now stopping him from calling me is himself. Even when he knows my potential trip to virginia hangs in the balance of his communication....fucking 21 year old. They're so bloody stupid.

It's 20degrees outside. Not too bad, eh? Until you add the windchill.

Two degrees! It feels like TWO DEGREES outside.

I want a cigarette so badly right now I could kill someone for it. Damnit, woman. Be strong!

His leave ends this weekend. And I haven't heard from him for a week. This is getting rediculous. Maybe it was just talk...just him blowing smoke up my ass to try to make me feel better....

Arg.

I've got my letter of resignation typed out for EDS. So I just have to decide if quiting is the right decision. My parents both think I should, so I can focus on my studies. But...I HATE not having a job, because there's no certainty of income. Of course, with this job, there's no certainty of much of anything.

Bleh. I'm tired.

OMG! I jsut found the best website evar! www.ibiza-spotlight.com

*swoons*

I could spend a month there and not want to leave! Of course, I could spend $100,000 in that month and still not see all that I want to see. Curses on my poorness!

*swoons again*

I have got to go to Ibiza. Seriously.

omg. i just found out the most bizarre thing about Patrick. o_O I'm disturbed.

Yep. I'm completely nuts. Bonkers. Bananas. Completely.

So every time I get to the point of giving up on Pv, he surprises me. We talked for almost 2 hours the other night. And he's going to try to come up to see me towards the end of his leave. That means by the end of next week, he may be up here. With me. He talks to me with such tender irreverence. It's a little weird and I love it. I called him the night Ben left and I was pretty depressed. i got his voicemail, so i left him one, saying that i missed talking to him and I was feeling down cause I had to say goodbye to my little brother again. He called me that night. And we actually talked about real things. It's uncanny how he knows so well how to sooth me, comfort me, and make me smile. Either he feels things he won't admit or he's a real smooth talker. Maybe simple denial lets me believe that it's the former. Maybe my own faith in him won't let me believe that latter. He wouldn't be talking about flying all the way up here for just a few days, three at most, without some sort of feeling involved...unless it's just talk and he's not actually considering anything of the sort. Oh god, i just don't know. He keeps me ever on the edge of dumping my feelings for him off a cliff. Is this a part of that dom/sub relationship that I've been craving? Because the torture of not knowing anything exactly is exquisit. I love it and hate it at the same time. And if I did know for certain anything about what I question now, would my heart still pound the same every time i hear his voice? Am I truly a masocist? (and i am aware that that's probably spelled wrong....but I don't care. Get off me; I've been awake for 22 hours already.) He always calls me "babe" and "baby" when he talks to me. And his petname for me, "Toots." And I hear over and over again in my head his soft accent pouring over me, "All I want to do is make you happy." Maybe he knows me better than I know myself...Would it be giving him too much credit to think that he could know I need this tension, that I crave the uncertainty, that wondering if he will call me gives me so much pleasure? Has Pv really mastered me? "Am I retarded, or am I just overjoyed?" Thank you, Greenday.

The biggest problem is that I don't know if I should hold my breath for Pv or not. I want to so badly I can nearly taste it. And parts of me say I have no choice in that matter....but then there's Patrick. I dont know enough about him to know what his score is all about. I felt something with him that was beyond the passion of the night and the drugs. Or was it? I was still rolling at noon the next day, hours after I had left his side. But I looked in his eyes and I swooned. And I told him genuinely that I trust him. Yes, genuinely. Totally. Strange for me. I can't really turn Patrick away just because I might have a chance with Pv. Cause really, do I have a chance with Pv? And even if he does want me like that, do I have a *realistic* chance with Pv? He lives over 800 miles away, for the love of god!

Am I now just making excuses because....because I'm scared of what being with him could really mean? Or am I just afraid of relying too heavily on what my heart wants and ending up destroyed when it is over?

Give Patrick a chance, yes. he may be a good man, yes. But I can't stop myself from holding my breath for the prospect of hearing Pv's voice on the other end of the phone; I can't stop my heart from beating faster when I think of looking into his eyes again and feeling his arms around me...Does that give Patrick a fair chance? Well, no. But an unfair chance is better than none at all, right? God, I'm a bitch...

Woot. 24 hours and counting.

What is it about me giving second chances and continuing to be hurt when the people they're given to disappoint me over and over and over? When will I learn?

i am so sick of being at work. Entirely sick of it. I don't want to be here. Tonight, I have to say goodbye to my brother...again. And off to war he goes. Again.

Yeah, i totally want to be at work for 5 more hours, since I've already been here for 7....I totally want to talk to 10 more fucking morons who couldn't find their ass with both hands, especially if there were a computer in the room. Why is your inbox full? MAYBE BECAUSE IT"S FULL OF EMAILS, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! And yes, that IS actually a call I got today. No joke.

I'm in such a foul mood.

It bothers me when people go into EL and then bitch about the students being there. Hello. College town. EL wouldn't exist without MSU. Period. If you don't like the students, don't go to their hive. .v.

It's nearly 7am. I've been up for two freaking hours! TWO!!! Three hours of sleep last night, cause I couldn't fall asleep. My head aches so badly....blah.

Pv hasn't talked to me since christmas. I'm giving up on him. Something I should've done months ago....what were the realistic chances anyway? I wish I never would've wasted my time going to virginia last summer....waste of time and money....and if I hadn't have gone...sometimes my own stupidity truly amazes me.

And so much for that "nice" guy I met on New years. Took him less than a week to show me he's not that nice after all. So much for my 'good feeling'. Does it make me cynical that I'm hurt by it, but not surprised at all?

My tears are infuriating. It seems that, after all this time, I finally wouldn't have any tears left...dear god, i long for that point, when I can't cry anymore. But I think if that ever happens, then I should be scared that my own heart has finally died.